Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I Just Can't Get Enough, No, I Just Can't Get Enough

The past few days my immune system's been a bit run down, I've had some tough work outs, and I've generally just been feeling exhausted. Simultaneously, I've noticed myself returning to a destructive thought pattern that has a tendency to cyclically reappear every so often - the I Need More pattern.

In the past I've seen this evil pattern emerge often times in response to thoughts about relationships with friends and boyfriends: More time together, More fun to be had, More adventure needed, More laughing together, More phone calls. I've felt it frequently with dance: I Need More technique, More hours in the studio, More one-on-one instruction, More music. And the past few days I've heard I Need More thoughts regarding beliefs about myself. I Need to lose More weight, I Need More tan skin, I Need More workouts during the day, I Need to burn More calories during my workouts, I Need More toned legs, I Need More toned abs, I Need More clear skin. And boy does the list go on. Eew. I'm exhausted just reading this brutally honest and depressing list.

Why is it that so many automatic thoughts are so self-critical? Why is it such a challenge to possess self-respect and gratitude? When is it enough?

As long as I'm looking for More I know I'll never find it seeing as though there's always More to be had. I've been thinking so long and hard this past year in particular about the notion of resistance. Frustration is purely the result of resisting that which is. The more I want something to change the more resistant (and inherently less accepting) I am of it as it is. Unfortunately in this case I'm learning something pretty deep and personal about myself: there is something (s) for which I'm having a tough time accepting right now.

I appreciate your company on this journey while I seek and sit in the muddiness of figuring it out :)

All my love,

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